Last week, I preached on how to build a better spouse trap. I think we had all-time record tape sales at the end of that service. They were standing in line until almost one o’clock buying tapes, so obviously God spoke to someone’s heart last week. This week, I am going to talk about how to love your spouse to the extreme. Now this is the day of extremes. You know, everything we do today, people don’t want to just do things ordinarily, they want to do it to the extreme – to the max. In fact, we have a whole new category of sports now called Extreme Sports. People do things like climb mountains with their fingertips, jump out of airplanes on a surf board, drop from a helicopter on skis on the side of some sheer cliff, get on skate boards and do things skate boards were never meant to do, take motorcycles and jump things—you know— the extreme.
Well, I want to help people understand something: God is the original extreme person. God is extreme and when God tells us to do something, don’t just do it average, don’t just do it well – do it extremely well. Today, I’m going to talk to men. Guys, this sermon is to you. Now ladies, listen to me – there is no elbow gouging allowed during this sermon. If I say something your husband needs to hear, quietly intercede, “Oh, God, may he hear this,” but don’t rub it in.
Now men, here is the good news: next week is to the women. Now, we’ll have BIG attendance next Sunday. Husbands who may skip a Sunday will get up next Sunday and say, “Honey, we ARE going to church, aren’t we? Let’s get up early. We can’t be late.” I have to give a disclaimer before I begin this sermon. I have to say it up front, guys. I struggle with this husband thing as much as anybody does. Just ask my wife. On second thought, do not ask my wife. My wife one day gave me a card. It was just a little card that said, “You’re the best husband in the world.” I kept that card because I knew there would come a day, probably within a week, when I would need that card, when I had blown it with her. When she confronted me, I’d hold it up and say “best husband, remember?” It’s amazing how we can go from the heights to the depths in just two hours.
So, guys, I want you to understand something. I am not a perfect husband. Some of the things I’m preaching to you, I’m preaching to me. But I’ve also found as a pastor all these many years that, if a sermon doesn’t touch your heart and doesn’t challenge you, it probably won’t touch anyone ‘s heart or challenge them, either. There have been many times as I prepared a sermon, I would have to stop and say, “Okay, God, I’ve got to stop and repent before I preach this. So, I’m going to talk to you guys today about how to love your wife to the extreme. Now some of you men sitting here are saying, “I’m not married.” Perhaps that’s true, but probably one day, you will be, so take notes. All the girls who may be married to you one day are hoping that you will take notes. 2
I want to read a scripture from Ephesians chapter 5, one that we know very well. Now, guys, I’ve pulled from this passage anything referring to wives. I’m just going to talk about the husband’s part. Next week, we’re going to pull the husband’s part and only put the wife’s part in. You’ll notice I’ve underlined some things. That means it is important stuff I want you to see as we look at this. Are you ready?
The apostle Paul says this,

The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church… Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church…Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body but he feeds and cares for it just as Christ does the church.
Now what I see as I look at this passage, guys, is four key points, the ones underlined in the verse. I want us to look at them. The first point I see in this passage is this:
The Husband Is the Head of the Wife Now, I want you to notice this. It does not say the husband ‘ought to be’ the head of the wife. It doesn’t say husbands ‘should be’ the head of the wife. It doesn’t describe marriage as it ought to be. It describes marriage as God sees it.
The husband IS the head of the wife. It says he IS. God is not saying, “Husbands, start being the head.” God says you ARE the head.
Now in case some of you guys start getting an attitude and saying “the Head,” remember, if you are a Navy man, that’s the bathroom. But we will continue on, okay?
God is not describing how marriages ought to be; he is describing the relationship between husband and wife as God sees it. So what on earth does that mean? Now guys, listen up. It means that you are responsible for what goes on under your headship. It means God holds you accountable. God has declared that you are the head. Therefore, you are accountable for what’s occurring in your marriage and in your family.
Now let me explain what I mean by that. Let’s go back to the Navy illustration. The captain of the ship is in control of the ship and is responsible for what occurs on that ship. He is the head of that ship. There may be a sailor on that ship who breaks a procedure or does something wrong and causes something bad to happen. That sailor will be guilty and will have to pay for that but, ultimately, whatever happens on that ship is the responsibility of the captain. It is his responsibility.
Guys, if you are going to love your wives to the extreme, it is time you quit shifting blame for what’s happening in your marriage and what’s happening to your children and in your family to everybody but where the buck stops, according to God. The buck stops with you. That’s extreme, but God says you ARE the head. He holds you responsible. He holds you accountable.
Loving your wife to the extreme means you are willing to take responsibility for the condition of your marriage. Now that’s extreme, isn’t it?
You say, “But you don’t know what it’s like!” I don’t, but God does! It doesn’t mean the other person can do whatever they want to do and you are responsible. But it does mean you step up to the plate and you accept responsibility because God has named you as the head. What this means ultimately is this: your marriage belongs to God. Your family belongs to God. God has assigned you this trust. God has assigned you this stewardship, if you want to use a good biblical word. God will hold you accountable 3 for what occurs in your marriage. Love for your wife means accepting responsibility for the condition of your marriage and that is extreme.
Now, what I’ve discovered and what I see happening repeatedly in the United States, even among people who are church families, is that it has fallen to the wife’s responsibility to set the spiritual pace for the home, to set the emotional pace for the home, to set the relational pace for the home. The wife is being given more and more responsibility for the spiritual instruction of the children, for the spiritual and relational nature of the home. God says that is not her responsibility. She is to be your helper but it is your responsibility, guys, because you are the head. God didn’t say to act like it, He says you ARE and He’s going to hold you accountable for being the head of your home.
What happens in so many homes is tremendous pressure is placed on wives. They have to do things and accept leadership that God says was the husband’s responsibility. One of the most extreme acts of love that a husband can offer his wife is to step up to the plate and own the responsibility. It takes the pressure valve off the wife. She can relax because someone else is taking responsibility. Now, that’s extreme, guys, but I didn’t write that passage, God did. Let’s look at the second thing that is in this passage. It says to, Present Her To Himself As Radiant.
Now this is, as far as marriage is concerned, the mission statement of a husband. God has given you a mission statement, guys, and here is your mission statement, your purpose: to present your wife as radiant. Let’s talk about that just for a minute. Paul has gone from using the relationship of Jesus and the Church as the model of how we relate to our wives. It says that Jesus is presenting the church as radiant and glorious and He is washing her with the Word.
Now we know that we are the body of Christ. And what is God doing in us? God is presenting us as radiant. Now here is what I want you to understand. You have a job description, guys. In your marriage, you have a job description. You must be pro-active. That means you take the responsibility and you recognize you’ve got something to do. Here is what it is. You are God’s agent for positive transformation in your wife’s life. Because of your love, people should see your wife growing and flourishing and becoming more lovely and more virtuous because she’s married to you. Because God says that’s your responsibility.
Coach McCartney, who started Promise Keepers, made a statement. He was talking about his own failure as a husband. One day he looked into his wife’s eyes and saw his failure. He said, “I can look into the face and the eyes of a wife and tell you what kind of husband she has. When I see a confident woman who is at ease and at peace with who she is, that is flourishing and growing, I know she has a husband who is loving her to the extreme because he is transforming her in loveliness and beauty, because that is our job description. But, when I see a woman who is empty, who is discouraged, who has a constant downcast look, an anxious look, there’s a lack of self-confidence, a lack of radiance, I wonder what kind of husband she has, because the husband’s job description is to present his wife as radiant.”
Now guys, this is extreme. This is really extreme. Let’s look at this. What is he saying? You see, if my wife is not a better person because of my presence, because of my attitude, my actions, my example, my encouragement and my love, then I’m failing as a husband. That’s just the way it is. It is my responsibility and that is what God calls us to do. Now most of us know that if you know anything about management or have attended management seminars, they talk about a mission statement. They talk about goals and objectives. Goals and objectives don’t work unless you have a strategy. Here is what we’re supposed to do, guys. What’s the strategy? He tells us in the next phrase. 4
Here is the strategy:
Love Your Wives Just As Christ Loved The Church And Gave Himself Up For Her. How is Jesus transforming us, the Bride of Christ? By loving us and by His grace coming to us through His death on the cross. That is how He transforms us. So, I began to look and say, “What is God saying?” Think about this: untold millions of people around the world are followers of Jesus. Not just now, but throughout the centuries. From the first century on when Jesus walked up to people and said, “Follow me,” until now, millions of people are following Jesus. Why do people want to follow Jesus? Let’s stop to think about this, guys, as a husband. If you want your wife and your family to follow you, you need to learn why people follow Jesus. It is because His example and His strategy must be our strategy, as well.
Why did people follow Jesus? People did not follow Jesus through power. Jesus did not gain credibility over millions of followers by exercising power over them to make them and beat them into subjection. Jesus has the power to do anything. However, he did not unleash that power to force us and berate us into following Him. Did you ever notice that? Did you ever notice that Jesus never used shame and guilt to motivate anybody? Rarely did Jesus point out people’s faults.
Now husbands, listen. Rarely did Jesus do that. Instead, Jesus offered a simple invitation, “Follow me,” and people did. Wouldn’t it be great, guys, if we set the example in our home and we accepted the responsibility of being the head and we said to our wives and our kids, “Follow me,” and they said, “We want to and can’t wait to do so.” We would fall over dead and they would have to get a new husband. Why?
Jesus didn’t do it by power. He didn’t demand people to follow Him. He did it by simply this: He loved us and gave Himself for us. He used the strategy of love and servanthood. This is the strategy by which you transform your wife into radiance: by love and servant hood. Extreme love means carrying out your mission as a leader, not a dominator. Some guys have this crazy idea that headship means domination. Jesus was not a dominator. It is easy to be a dominator. You can yell, scream, carry a big stick, throw tantrums, and get into passive-aggressive behavior. You can eventually get people to do what you want them to do. They will either do what you want them to do or live in misery. But, is that the way you want to do it – just dominate?
Leadership is another thing. Leadership takes skill. Leadership takes understanding. Leadership takes patience. Leadership takes caring. Leadership is what Jesus talked about in Matthew chapter 20, verses 25 and 26. He said, Among you, it should be quite different. Let’s stop right there. What Jesus was talking about right before this verse was people who were leaders in the world. He said that leadership out in the world was domination. They snap their fingers and people do what they say. They rule over people and they lord over people and they exercise authority. Leadership in the world is authoritarian leadership. But Jesus said among you it should be different.
Among Christian men, it should be different. This is what Jesus said was the difference. He said, Whoever wans to be a leader among you must be your servant.
Now if God has called us, guys, to be the leader in our home, the essence of leadership is servanthood. I remember Wellington Boone, who spoke a lot at Promise Keepers meetings and who spoke in a meeting here several years ago at this church. He made a statement as he talked about the husband’s leadership being serving – serving your family, touching the deepest needs of your family and serving your wife and speaking into her life. He made the 5 statement, “I refuse to let my wife out-serve me. In fact, in our house, it is almost like a competition. If she does something for me, I’ll do twice as much for her.”
You say, “What does that mean?” It means this: The essence of leadership is servanthood. Let that sink in. It’s not domination. It is servanthood. Jesus said the strategy for transformation is leadership, not dominance. Jesus won the hearts of people by loving them and serving them, not by intimidation. You will never win the heart of your family by intimidation. How will you win your wife’s heart? How will you win your children? The key attitude is gentleness.
I heard someone talking about a “vahz”. A “vahz?” We had vases, jars and containers. I asked, “What is the difference between a vase and a ‘vahz?’” And they said about a thousand dollars. If you have a “vahz,” you treat it with care. It is very fragile. It can easily be broken. You handle it gently. In your home, you know the difference between a mayonnaise jar and a piece of fine crystal. You don’t take a crystal goblet and just throw it around. You take crystal stemware and deal with it gently. I learned this from my wife. You don’t just throw it in the dishwasher because it breaks easily. But just because it’s fragile and breaks easily does not mean it’s not valuable. In fact, the fragileness of it is the essence of its value. Guys, quit treating your wife like a vase and start treating her like a “vahz” – fragile, but highly valuable.
Be a leader. Understand gentleness. Wimpiness is not gentleness. Meekness is power under control. You have the power to do great damage but you choose not to, because it is under control.
But you say, “You don’t know who I’m married to. You don’t understand. What about if your wife isn’t initially responding to you well? You say, “I’ve tried that for three days and it didn’t work, pastor, so I’m going back to my old ways.” Here is the next thing God says: Husbands ought to… Love Their Wives As Their Own Bodies…No One Ever Hated His Own Body.
Here is where we are talking about guarding your attitude and your emotions toward your spouse. You are married to a fallen woman who is living in a broken world. She is going to disappoint you. She is going to sadden you. No one has the capacity to bring you any more personal pain in your life than the person you are married to. I promise you that. No one has entered into a relationship as close as the relationship of husband and wife without experiencing disappointment. You are so closely and intimately intertwined in your life with that person, no one can ever hurt you emotionally any more deeply than that person can. And it will happen.
And, guys, not only are you married to a fallen woman in a broken world, she is married to one, too. Except, you are the fallen man. You’re both fallen. You both have sin in your life. Neither one of you is perfect. Marriage is a lifetime commitment to someone who is guaranteed to disappoint you. If you cannot honor your wife because she is prone to certain weaknesses, you will probably never be able to honor ANY woman or spouse in your life. This is extreme love. Extreme love means choosing to show honor instead of scorn to your wife. It means never exploiting your wife’s weaknesses.

 Says this and, remember, God wrote this, I didn’t. Extreme stuff here:
You husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. If you do not treat her as you should, your prayers will not be heard. (NLT)
Don’t exploit your wife’s weaknesses. Watch your words to your wife. Speak to her with courtesy even when what she is saying to you makes no sense; even when, in your opinion, she is wrong. She is the Creator’s daughter. You are married to the Creator’s daughter. Treat her that way. 6
This is extreme stuff. God said it. God said you are accountable. God said your mission is to present your wife as radiant. God said the strategy is love and servanthood. God says when it’s not going exactly the way you thought it would go, do not turn to hatred but continue to honor. That’s what God said. That’s about as extreme as jumping out of a plane with a surfboard strapped to your feet. How does this have to happen? Guys, what are the things that have to happen for you to accept this extreme challenge? Here is the first thing:
(1) If I am to love this way, I must choose to believe it is the best way.
(2) If I am to love this way, I must change.
Some of you sitting there are thinking, “Well, I don’t believe this is the best way.” Let me ask you something. Is what you’re doing now working? What is the saying, “The height of stupidity is to expect different results while doing the same thing?” If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got – duh! Go figure! It’s amazing how many times, in trying to help couples with troubled marriages, they all want it to be better, but no one wants to change one cotton pickin’ thing. We just want to keep doing it like we’re doing it. We just want it to be better. It doesn’t work that way. Change. You have to choose to believe there is a better way.
Now, ladies, what do you think? Do you think most women respond well to a guy who’s stepped up to the plate and taken responsibility, who sees that his mission statement is to present you glorious and lovely, and that the strategy is leadership, not domination, and who honors you instead of scorning you? Do you think most women would respond to that in a positive way? Nod your head if you agree. All the heads are nodding, guys. They’re telling you something.
You say, “Boy, you’re jumping all over us, ladies.” Their time is next week. But we start with the one who accepts responsibility as the head. The second thing you’ve got to do is this: if you’re going to love this way, you’ve got to change. You know why? It is not natural for men to change. You know why it is not natural to us? Because men are by nature competitors. Tonight, the Super Bowl will be on and there are two teams and two coaching teams who have been strategizing on how to take advantage of the other team’s weakness. That’s a male thing. We find a weakness and take advantage of it. I want to tell you something, guys, that will not work in marriage.
It will not work for you to say, “My natural instinct is to find the weakness in your point, the weakness in your argument, the weakness in your personality, the weakness in your emotional makeup. I will exploit that to help you understand my way is right and I will win.” You may win that battle, but you will lose the war. It’s not natural, guy. But I have found, as a Christian, the Holy Spirit of God causes us and empowers us to do things that are not natural: things like loving your enemy, doing good to them who despitefully use you, blessing those who curse you. If your enemy is hungry, give him food. If he’s thirsty, give him something to drink. The Holy Spirit allows those who steal to steal no more, rather to work with their hands. The Holy Spirit allows us to put away filthiness and evil speaking and to speak those things that bring benefit to the one who listens. The Holy Spirit allows us to put off the old man and to put on the new man. The Holy Spirit allows us to be renewed in the attitude of our mind. The Holy Spirit allows us not to be carnally minded but to be spiritually minded. The Holy Spirit allows us not to be conformed to this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our mind. The Holy Spirit can help you, guys. He can help us, but without Him, we can’t do it. But the Bible says that, with God, all things are possible, even making men to be men of God. God says it’s true. So, guys, you’ve got to trust Jesus. You’ve got to be filled with the Spirit. You have to make up your mind to be a godly man.
I want to close by reading a portion of a book. The book is by Gary Thomas, entitled Sacred Marriage. It’s a story of a couple. His name is Barger. Her name is Susan. This is a true story. It’s easy to scorn women, Barger said, and most men do. We see them as physically weak, easy to intimidate, emotional, illogical and often petty. Or we see them as temptresses. In desire, we idolize them and parade them across the pages of magazines, yet we scorn and hate them for their commanding sexual power over us. Male scorn affects every aspect of our lives. 7
I do not speak here merely of your scorn of women. I speak of mine as well. I swaggered through marriage for many years, ruling my wife, Susan, and my seven children with an iron hand while citing scripture as justification for my privileges and my authority. Years of dominating my wife and children left them habitually resentful and fearful of me, yet unwilling to challenge me because of the fury it might provoke. I alienated Susan and the children and lost their love. Home was not a pleasant place to be. Then a number of dramatic events occurred which brought a profound change in my life, moral, psychological and spiritual. The first of these events was when Susan began to hemorrhage in a delivery room and the baby was still born. At two in the morning in a dark, bright hospital room, I held in my left hand my tiny, lifeless son and stared in disbelief at his death. I realized in that moment that I had the power to make my family’s lives’ worse by raging against my baby’s death and my wife’s lack of love, or to make their lives better by learning to love them properly. I had to choose. In that critical instance, with God’s grace, I chose the arduous, undramatic, discouraging path of trying to be good. I don’t have time to tell you of all the afflictions we endured in the next four years. In the midst of these many afflictions, I found that the only way I could learn to love and to cease being the cause of pain was to suffer, endure and strive every minute to repudiate my anger, my resentment, my scorn, my jealousy, my lust, my pride and my dozens of other vices.
I began holding my tongue. I started admitting my faults and apologizing for them. I quit defending myself when I was judged too harshly, for the important thing was not to be right or even to be well thought of, but the important thing was to love. As I had made myself the center of my attention for too many years already, I said little about my own labors and sorrows. I sought to know Susan’s and to help her bear them.
Frankly, once I started listening to Susan, once I began really hearing her and drawing her out, I was startled at how many and how deep were her wounds and her sorrows. One of my friends, when confronted at the end of his long work day with his wife’s complaint about the noise and troubles and unending housework, snapped back at her, “Well do you want me to stay home and do the housework while you go off to the office?” What DID she want him to do? I’ll tell you.
She wanted him to listen, to understand, and to sympathize. She wanted him to let her know that, despite her problems, her exhaustion, dishevelment, he loved her. To let her know that it caused him sorrow that she was suffering and that, if it were possible, he would change all of that for her.
Barger’s earnest efforts at renewing his love for his wife worked. It took three years of patience, listening and growing in Susan’s trust, spending literally hundreds of hours talking, but eventually, Susan’s anger dissipated, overcoming her cynicism, which, in turn, softened her. Living in a renewed marriage, life became unusually sweet. Barger and Susan believed that they were on the verge of a long and happy marriage when tragedy struck again. Susan was diagnosed with terminal cancer. An eight-month battled ensued. But even though Susan was given the best care, the cancer won out and Susan died. She breathed her last breath holding the hand of her beloved husband. Barger looked back on their lives together with bittersweet feelings. Now that they had become best friends, now that he had learned the deeper meaning found in truly loving, rather than dominating, he had to say goodbye. But the sweetness was in remembering an unusual love, knowing that he had experienced something that most of us yearn for but never truly find – true, deep soul companionship. Guys, if we are to exercise extreme love, we have to change. But Jesus is in the business of change.