INTRODUCTION
What makes a great leader? There is no simple formula, but it must have something to do with the ways an individual handles adversity, conflict and difficult people. Great leaders have probably overcome traumatic experience and have endured intense conflicts, confrontations, and challenges. These extreme experiences and life changing interactions are what are called “crucible experiences.”
One of the most reliable indications and predictors of true leadership is an individual’s ability to find meaning in negative events, trying circumstances, and conflicts with difficult and sometimes dangerous people.
A recent study on forty top leaders in business between 2000 and 2003 found that all of them were able to point to intense, often traumatic, always unplanned experiences that had transformed them and had become the sources of their distinctive leadership abilities.
Early “crucible experience” becomes part of our life story because they are often powerful enough to somehow transform or alter our own attitude and sense of identity.
“Crucible experiences” can include our most significant encounter with difficult people because everyday life is likely to bring us into contact with people, who for whatever reason are angry, hurt, frustrated, selfish, stubborn, etc.
The ability to maintain perspective, calm, and to communicate clearly during these encounters is difficult, especially when it involves a close friend or family member. You may normally be guided by a clear vision and set of core values but you can forget all of that quickly when you are engaged in conflict. Communicating effectively in these moments is easier said than done. Learning how to be both objective and a participant is key to successful communication.
Leaders must learn how to get off the dance floor and go on the balcony in order to clearly observe what happened, to observe your own actions, to see yourself objectively, and to begin to understand what was really going on during the encounter.
In this lesson for leaders on how to deal with difficult people you will be encouraged to learn how to both be an observer and a participant at the same time.
At times we are all “difficult.” We occasionally irritate, annoy, or confuse one another. There are different kinds of difficult people:
- Normal Person who is in a moderate or severe level of distress manifesting negative failure behaviors with flawed thinking.
- Dysfunctional people who tend to stay in distress because of reactive behavior or aggressive behavior.
- Nasty, almost impossible people who hurt others by invalidation, victimation, and fail to accept responsibility through denial and avoidance. They usually have low self-esteem but big egos. They are usually unconscious or only semiconscious of what they do.
- Troublesome, flawed in character, or personality disordered.
1) Identify Difficult People
Let’s take a deeper look into these four categories of difficult people in order to better understand ourselves and care for or cope with difficult people. We will use the DiSC model to identify some types of difficult people.
Identifying / Understanding Negative and Distressed Behavior
A) High D in distress
The Dictator / Manipulator
- obsessed with power and control
- calculating and tenacious
- can appear charming in order to trick
- plays “the blame game”
- tells half truths and conceal facts
- seeks to gain the advantage
- are provocative or quarrelsome
- sets up arguments
- creates negative drama
- ignores or breaks the rules
- blames and finally abandons
- wants to be the star, grabs the credit, takes all the bows
- uses anger as a club
- uses intimidation or patronizes
- are threatened by talented people
- glosses over some problems and magnifies other problems
The Tank
- abusive, abrupt, and intimidating
- leave their victims on the defensive
- seek to overpower people by being persuasive, crude, or subtle
- disrespect people who seem weak
- determined to remove anyone or anything that does not serve their purposes
- seeks to invalidate others in order to intimidate and control
- hurts people but justifies their actions
- suppresses guilt and avoids atonement
- loves to embarrass victims in front of a group and is good at it
- have low self-esteem but hide this by displaying over inflated egos
- uses self-importance to make up for feelings of inferiority
- the way to make an invalidator lose his grip is to invalidate him/her
- if you invalidate your boss, who is an invalidating tank, you may feel very satisfied as you stand in the unemployment line.
The sniper
- expert at taking pot shots and making sneak attacks in subtle ways
- uses humorous put-downs, sarcastic tones, and disapproving looks or innuendoes
- covert hostility
- are bushwhackers who love to trap and make others look bad.
B) High i in distress
Impulsive Exploders
- Fun-loving, joyous people who are lively, enthusiastic and friendly when not in distress or negative behavior
- In negative, distressed behavior:
- acts out impulses instead of dealing with anxiety or frustration
- becomes obsessive or compulsive
- erratic mood swings
- gets depressed and feels despair
- rejects criticism
- blames other, “If it weren’t for . . . “
- gets greedy
- demands attention
- seeks hard to please
- allows other to think for them
- gets negative and complains
- says yes but means no
- gets bored easily; feels hurt; jealous
- delegates inappropriately and without direction
- fears rejection—so in great distress feels censured and chooses to “get even”
The Star Performer
- seeks attention and accolades
- excessive need for acceptance and love
- wants to win and is a poor loser
- aims for center stage
- turns slightest remark into an insult
- interrupts and dominates conversations
- makes sweeping statements
- values position and status symbols
- boasts and brags about accomplishments
- asks aggressively challenging questions
- makes fun of some serious things
C) High S in distress
Passive Bumbler
- fears being unloved, unwanted, and unworthy
- avoids decisions because of past mistakes
- shuns responsibility and confrontation
- keeps deepest thoughts and feelings private
- accepts bad treatment but fumes inwardly, sulks, or puts
- seeks sympathy and instills guilt
- can become domineering and manipulative when angry where normally they would be more compliant and passive
- makes excuses for playing it safe or for being selfish
- holds grudges; becomes obstinate
- dissociating self from all conflicts
- over adapts to others
- lacks assertiveness
- invites criticism with passive behavior and low self-esteem
Drooping Victim
- get taken for granted
- feel ignored and unappreciated
- try too hard to please everybody
- turn anger inward
- Play the role of victim
- Violent behavior can take place after repeated victimization, even suicide
Melancholy Escapist
- self-inhibited and emotionally blocked
- depressed and alienated
- easily fatigued and has a low motivation
- tormented by delusional or negative self-concept
- blames others and drives people away
- often feels hopeless
- can be self-destructive
- prone to abuse drugs or alcohol in order to escape negative feelings
- struggle for significance
- will often attack a rescuer
- creates codependent relationships
- withdraws and prefers to be alone or only with one significant person
- feels no one cares or understands
- gets engrossed in fantasy rather than reality
- wears a drooper or victim mask
- thinks “I am not ok but you are ok”
- Passively waits rather than acts
- needs a lot of solitude and external direction
D) High C in Distress
Reactive Analyzers
- becomes preoccupied with their thoughts and interpretations rather than with reality
- detaches from the practical world
- becomes provocative and abrasive
- cynical and argumentative
- expects perfection and has difficulty delegating
- Is very frustrated with people who do not think clearly
- over controls with criticism
- emotionally reactive and extreme when criticized or angered
- over thinks for others
- seeks to control
- easily frustrated
- verbally attacks from a “you” position
- jumps to conclusions
- can turn nasty or caustic
- in conflict they tend to burn their bridges and ultimately reject others
- demands and expects perfection
- wears an attacker mask
- thinks “I am ok, you are not ok”
- strives to be perfect and over controls
- can be obsessive, avoidant, or compulsive
The Complainer
- idealists who crusaders, advocates, or critics
- demand conformity
- picky, judgmental, and perfectionist
- very opinionated and expressive
- impatient with criticism
- moralizing and scolding
- can become abrasive or indignantly angry
- dogmatic and self-righteous
- intolerant and inflexible
- sees others as wrong
- severs in judgments while rationalizing own actions
- obsessive about overcoming the imperfections and wrong-doings of others
- tries to correct, fix or police others
- may be hypocritical and do the opposite of what they preach
- condemning and punitive toward those they see as “wrong-doers”
- fear being wrong defective, or incompetent
- focus on what is wrong not what is right
- wears attacker mask
- thinks “I am ok, you are not ok:
- expects you to be perfect for them
- pushes beliefs
- needs recognition and success
- final distress behavior will be to forsake others
2) Dealing with these types of difficult people
A) Dealing with a high D in distress – three types:
- Dictator / Manipulator
- The Tank
- The Sniper
These describe people in distress who tend to be overly aggressive and seek to exercise authority over others for their own purposes.
Great distress or anxiety in these personality types often produces a high level of hostility along with dominance.
Suggestions for dealing with high D’s who are in distress:
- Avoid conflict with overly dominant and hostile people
- Don’t argue
- Avoid being manipulated by either their charm or force
- Expect that they will become hostile id challenged and allow them to knock you off balance emotionally
- Be assertive or they will not respect you but only see you as weak and easy to control/manipulate
- Back off before you become unduly aggressive in response to their anger
- Use truth and tack in confronting distressed controllers
- Expect their wounds to be excessive and stubborn
- Slow down and think carefully before you speak
- Keep a check on your facial expressions and gestures
- Answer them calmly and courteously if possible
- Look for the traps they will set to create conflict to project blame
B) Dealing with a high i in distress – two types:
- Impulsive exploders
- The star
These personality types are very spontaneous, creative, responsive, and excitable people who can be very materialistic and greedy. They never feeling they have enough and can be demanding and pushy yet unsatisfied. They can be too talkative, irritating, immature, and narcissistic.
Some of them may be gossips who are in-discrete, competitive, sharp-tongued, sneaky, imposing, critical, disloyal, and angry.
Then there are the two-faced backstabbers. They can be clandestine, sneaky, seductive, sabotaging, phony, evasive, superficial, and untrustworthy.
Suggestions for dealing with high i’s who are in distress:
- Ignore aggressively challenging questions or statements
- Affirm them for their accomplishment
- Be sympathetic and personable
- Be playful, positive, and upbeat
- Be direct and attack the problem, not the person
- Avoid the need to reach consensus at all costs
- Try not to be defensive
- Involve people in appropriate responsible action to resolve the issue
- Share your own feelings and try to connect
- Be a good listener
- Assure the person you can respect him/her
- Don’t push, criticize, or try to intimidate
C) Dealing with a high S in distress – three types:
- Passive Bumbler
- Drooping Victim
- Melancholy Escapist
In a healthy emotional state of mind these people are usually caring, unselfish, altruistic, people who give unconditional love to others. They need security, solitude, and positive recognition. They fear being unwanted and abandoned. They are non assertive, often manipulated, or used, and see themselves as victims who are unworthy and must try to please others.
Suggestions for dealing with High S’s who are in distress:
- Understand that these are normally caring, compassionate, warm-hearted people who are hurt, angry, and in distress
- Seek to build a positive relationship with them.
- Watch out for their possessiveness and codependent tendencies
- Avoid allowing them to project on to your unfair guilt
- Affirm them but reject any coercive or selfish behavior
- Try to calm their fears and tendency to become victimized
- Do not reject them if at all possible
- Understand their need for security, peace, and calm
- Respect their need for privacy at times
- Expect that they will be unassertive but hostile when deeply hurt
- Help them direct their repressed anger in positive ways
- Encourage them to make positive decisions
- Don’t say, “I don’t understand you”, and do not attack their self-esteem
- Do not leave them alone and allow them to withdraw from important relationships
- Recognize their need for motivation and encouragement even when they are being difficult.
D) Dealing with a high C in distress – two types:
- Reactive Analyzers
- The Complainer
When not in distress these people are responsible, logical, organized, conscientious, dedicated, purposeful, and perfectionistic.
In distress they become reclusive, isolated, dogmatic, self-righteous, and over-controlling. They fear being wrong or incompetent. A hot button for them is when someone criticizes or challenges them. They need to achieve their dreams and make sense of their environment. In distress they will attack and seek to be in control.
Suggestions for dealing with high C’s who are in distress:
- Understand their need for perfection, organization, and caution
- Expect them to be cynical and argumentative when provoked or challenged
- Confront their verbal attacks
- Do not let them think for you
- Criticizing them will only intensify their attacks
- Look beyond their attacker mask and see a person driven to be right whose self-esteem is linked to analytical thinking
- Respect their need for space
- Affirm their attention to detail
- If arguing with them be prepared to use logic and facts
- Keep an open mind when interacting with them
- Remember they are very opinionated about most things and impatient with incompetence
- Expect them to be moralizing, scolding, abrasive, and indignantly angry
- Confront their dogmatic intolerance and severe judgementalism
- Since they fear being wrong or defective expect the attacker mask to be used to cover these fears
- If possible, affirm their need for recognition of their work and opinions
CONCLUSION
Difficult people manifest character and personality disorders which negatively impact their thinking, feeling, and relating. Difficult people are not always difficult in every relationship unless they are mentally ill. Their character disorder and difficult behavior may seem normal to them and is usually very hard to change.
The Bible identifies the primary character disorders in the seven (7) deadly sins: Pride, Envy, Anger, Greed, Apathy, Lust, and Gluttony.
In looking at difficult people we have seen behavior that is paranoid, obsessive, hysterical, aggressive, passive, temperamental, compulsive, impulsive, dependant, and manipulative.
These negative styles of character disordered behavior becomes masks people wear to hide their deepest spiritual and emotional needs.
“Flee also youthful lusts: but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the lord out of a pure heart. But avoid foolish ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will” (2 Timothy 2:22-26 NKJ)