INTRODUCTION
Communication is the oil that enables people to work together smoothly. It is the basis of all relationships. Without communication, there is no connection and no significant relationships.
Communication is a complex process that depends upon reaching a common understanding. Leadership training has not placed enough emphasis on the development of strong communication skills. The proper use of communication and problem solving skills will enable leaders to communicate and connect with people in a way that provides the greatest chance for positive interactions.
Ineffective communication can be destructive and cause serious emotional consequences. Clinical studies show that most people have difficulty managing situations that are emotionally volatile, particularly when the emotions aroused are anger and anxiety. When this difficulty is combined with poor communications skills, the results can be disastrous.
The inability to manage emotions under stress and the inability to communicate effectively often produces unresolved and repetitive conflicts in local churches. Strong communication skills are instrumental in resolving sticky problems with difficult people, in managing church bosses, in building unity, and communicating the vision.
We will look at five (5) steps for leaders in communicating and connecting effectively.
1) STEP ONE – Develop a High Level of Self-Awareness
Self-awareness allows us to tune into vast information about our feelings, senses, appraisals, values, weaknesses, and intentions. This information helps us understand how we respond, behave, communicate, and function in various situations.
Self-awareness reveals:
- How we see ourselves
- What is most important to us
- How we react in distress
- Our “hot buttons”
- Our levels of emotional stability and spiritual maturity by exposing what we do under stress and at our worst
- How others really see us
- How good we are at making the right choices
Self-awareness combined with spiritual discipline helps us stay focused and centered on a Biblical, spiritual, and purpose centered course. Without a true and accurate self-awareness, we lack sufficient knowledge and wisdom to make good decisions. How can we increase our levels of self-awareness?
Self -Awareness Requires Examining How We Make Appraisals
Appraisals are all the different impressions, interpretations, evaluations, assessments, and expectations we have about ourself, others, and situations. They are influenced by our personality traits, life experiences, and core values. They are manifested in our deepest thoughts and feelings.
Self-awareness increases when we understand how our thoughts and beliefs influence our feelings, actions, and reactions.
A) Suggestions on identifying how we make appraisals
- Put thoughts and feelings in a clear statement which begins with “I think…,” “I believe…,” “I feel…”
- Engage both inner dialogue and specific prayer concerning true inner feelings. Notice how negative inner thoughts work against us and produce self-fulfilling prophesies of failure.
- Learn to make evaluations and self-assessments when we are calm and rational. Prayer and spiritual worship are powerful ways to achieve a calm and rational state of being where we can more accurately become aware of what is true.
- “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy–meditate on these things” (Philippians 4:8, NKJ).
- Seek advice and input from trustworthy sources whose perspective might add to the appraisal of the situation.
It is important to clearly understand our own process of making appraisals so that we can increase our chance of being fair-minded, accurate, and objective.
B) Tips for making accurate appraisals
- Remember that appraisal of an event or a person determines our reactions, not someone else’s behavior or the event itself.
- Acknowledge that opinions/appraisals are our own.
- Accept that appraisals are subject to change based on new information or new thoughts and beliefs.
- Use all senses to gauge what is taking place around us and identify what we see and hear. When we use all of our senses, we can more accurately appraise what has taken place.
- Get in touch with feelings or spontaneous emotional responses to interpretations and expectations. Remember that feelings have outward manifestations and often drive certain behaviors. We need to learn to identify the true emotions we feel in order to determine if our reactions are valid.
High quality self-awareness includes how we make appraisals, use our senses, manage our feelings, identify our intentions, and monitor our actions. Developing high self-awareness requires practice and courage in order to step back and observe ourselves in action and evaluate the course we are navigating.
2) STEP TWO – Manage Emotions
Managing emotions requires self-discipline and control over our thoughts, actions, and behavioral tendencies (weaknesses). We are emotional beings because we are made in the image of God. God is emotional. He loves; He grieves; He is capable of anger; He is jealous; and so forth. Each of God’s emotions is positive and healthy. Because of His nature, He is incapable of guilt and fear.
However, we as sinful human beings, experience negative emotions. Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is the most deceitful of all things, desperately wicked.”
In order to manage our emotions and to move toward maturity in Christ, we must be renewed in our spirit, made alive in Christ, and have our minds renovated. God told Jeremiah that, “I will put my law in their minds, and write it on their hearts, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people” (Jeremiah 31:33).
A) Range of Emotions – From Love to Hate
Psalm 97:10 – “Those who love the Lord hate evil.”
The extent of our hatred of evil should be determined by our love of good. Solomon links righteous hatred with another emotion – fear or awe of God. “The fear of the Lord is to hate evil; Pride and arrogance and the evil way and the perverse mouth I hate” (Proverbs 8:13). A disciplined heart does not feel terror toward the heavenly Father. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear…” (1 John 4:18).
Disciplined love is the kind that is genuine, sincere, without hypocrisy (Romans 12:9). Genuine love motivates us for good, to be patient, kind, not proud, not rude, not easily angered, keeps no score of wrongs, delights in truth, practices holiness, hopes, trusts, and perseveres (I Corinthians 4:13).
Even the sorrow of believers is a hopeful sorrow (I Thessalonians 4:13). Guilt is also positive when it serves its purpose of bringing us to repentance. However, a morbid grief or guilt can rob us of our joy and hinder our service for Christ.
Just as there is a holy jealousy (James 4:5), so there is a sinless anger (Ephesians 4:26). Sinless anger is a restrained and spiritual hatred of evil. Solomon listed seven things God hates: “A proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that are swift in running to evil, a false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord among brethren” (Proverbs 6:16-19).
B) Self-control or Self-discipline
Self-discipline is the crowning fruit of the Spirit that must be cultivated and nurtured by believers. Self-control or self-discipline is reproduced in the child of God by the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit. “For to me to live is Christ…” (Philippians 1:21).
In order to live the Christ-life, we must be totally committed to managing our emotions in the power of the Holy Spirit. Self-control achieved through the fruit of the Holy Spirit is basic to managing our emotions.
“But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 1:5-8).
3) STEP THREE – Motivate Yourself
Self-motivation is the key to starting and completing a task. It is also vital to effective communication and relationship building. Without positive motivation, we might feel isolated, frustrated, afraid, depressed, or anxious. “The joy of the Lord is our strength” (Nehemiah 8:10).
A) The New Motivations
Psychologists and researchers have made some significant new observations about what motivates people today in North America. The old incentives or motivations were money, status, reward, and fringe benefits. These no longer dominate people’s thinking. People are turning inward and have a new philosophy focused on self-actualization incentives.
The new motivations are personal growth, a sense of being worthwhile, and a sense of accomplishment. Therefore, psychological fulfillment seems to be the new motivation. When the old type of motivations such as money and status have been achieved, we tend to look deeper toward the new motivations.
B) Motivated by Inner Passion
“But we have renounced the hidden things of shame, not walking in craftiness nor handling the word of God deceitfully, but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God. But even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing” (2 Corinthians 4:2-3).
The apostle Paul was motivated by inner passion, not by great oratory or empty promises of fame. Paul’s method of motivating people can be explained in identifying three (3) simple steps:
- Set forth the truth plainly. Paul wanted people to wrestle with clear facts not with guilt, fear, shame, or even possible reward.
- Be direct and honest with people but do not manipulate. We want people to be God-directed from deep inner commitment.
- See personal relationships as the basis of ministry. Personal relationships spawn effective ministry because God-motivated people get excited about people, not programs.
C) Self-Motivation Strategy
- Create a positive and friendly atmosphere.
- Enjoy the fact that people are uniquely different.
- Stay focused on who you are, not what somebody else is.
- Keep looking to the future; not just the present or the past.
- Do not attempt to go beyond your capabilities or your responsibilities.
- Take an honest look at your goals and primary motivations.
- Guard against saying the negative things to yourself when frustrated, disappointed, or distressed.
4) STEP Four – Develop Effective Communication Skills
The foundation of any relationship is communication. Without communication, there is no connection and no relationship. For leadership, effective communication is crucial and its value is incalculable.
Thus far, we have emphasized the need to develop high self-awareness. This involves examining how we make appraisals, how we identify your feelings and intentions, and how we analyze our behavior.
When communicating with people, wise leaders pay close attention to how we impact other’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Wise leaders have learned the skill of being sensitive and capable of quickly adjusting their communication style.
Some important communication skills are:
A) Self-Disclosure
Communication is a back-and-forth process of exchange with the goal of accurately understanding each other. Self-disclosure in communication is the process of revealing what we are thinking, feeling, and believing.
Self-disclosure statements often begin with “I think,” “I feel,” or “I believe.” Sharing your thoughts, ideas, feelings, or beliefs can sometimes be dangerous. We fear that our idea might be disparaged, our thought might reveal our lack of knowledge, or that our feeling might suggest a weakness in character.
Self-disclosure always involves some risk. Therefore, our self-disclosures should be strategically executed. Carefully choose what to reveal and how to reveal it so that the risks are minimized and the benefits are maximized.
Suggestions for using self-disclosure:
1) Acknowledge ownership of statements
Recognize that certain experiences in life led to your opinions and/or feelings. Therefore, they belong to us and may not be quickly or clearly understood by everyone.
Acknowledging ownership of our statements helps in expressing them with confidence and conviction from a position of strength.
2) Make Sense Statements
Sense statements are these communications that are based on information derived from our senses (seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, tasting), not from absolute positions of truth. Remember that effective, intelligent communication acknowledges the right of others to their interpretations, as well as our rights to our interpretations.
We must always keep the doors of communication open to clarify any misconceptions.
3) Use Interpretive Statements
Interpretive statements reveal what we think or believe at a given time. They imply that we took specific information into account before we made our statement. Examples of interpretive statements are:
- “I think it is…,”
- “I didn’t think you…,”
- “In the past we…,”
- “I wasn’t aware of…,”
- “I guess we don’t need…”
By making interpretive statements, we suggest that our interpretation is subject to revision. The opposite and dangerous types of statement reflect opinions that are locked in (but might be totally wrong). For example:
- “You’re not interested…,”
- “Yes I am…,”
- “No you’re not…”
Effective communication requires that we stay open and gracious about receiving new information.
4) Make feeling statements
When we are really in touch with our feelings, we can better understand our reactions. Feeling statements reveal information about the reasons behind our reactions or opinions.
In order to disclose feeling statements in a wise way, we need to tune in to our feelings, convey them accurately, and be sensitive to the respondent.
5) Use intention statements
In an appropriate way, be clear in revealing what you want from a situation with respect for what the other person(s) want or wish.
Intention statements generally begin with I want, I would like, or I wish. While being clear about your intentions you must also be judicious in the desires that you reveal. Generally, we would not reveal our hidden agenda(s). We should not use our intentions to control or manipulate others
B) Assertiveness
Assertiveness and aggressiveness are not the same. Assertiveness is the ability to protect your own beliefs, opinions, rights, and desires along with demonstrating respect for the rights of others.
Aggressiveness disregards the needs of others and uses power or persuasion combined with some degree of hostility to achieve the desired goal.
Assertiveness is a positive and necessary way to respect your own thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and needs in a mutually benefiting style. Transactional Analysis (TA) would encourage a healthy approach that we say, “I am OK and you are OK.”
Suggestions for Assertiveness
- Clarify your position with important facts
- Seek to understand and acknowledge the other person’s position
- Repeat your position with consistency
- Defend your position with logic
- Strive for a compromise that brings resolution in a mutually satisfying way
C) Dynamic Listening
Dynamic listening brings a high degree of self-awareness into the process of communication, as we address our own personal filters. Filters can often screen out or even transform the information we are receiving.
Personal filters need to be eliminated as much as possible or we will end up hearing only what we want to hear because of preconceived beliefs.
Dynamic listening helps you get underneath the surface of what someone says to hear the feelings that are really being expressed.
D) Criticism
Criticism is hard to receive and usually hard for people to give. Criticism reveals how others view your behavior or work. People can benefit from criticism but it can also be extremely destructive to a person’s self-esteem and to relationships.
Criticism makes us feel vulnerable and usually makes us defensive. The effective use of criticism requires the skillful use of every component of good communication.
In giving criticism:
- Check your motive – is it to help?
- Choose the right time and place
- Protect the person’s self-esteem
- Emphasize improvement
- Show concern
- Manage your own emotions
- Clearly identify problems with examples
- List desired changes
- Always give some positive feedback
- Discuss acceptable solutions and positive benefits of change then end on a positive note
In receiving criticism
- Acknowledge that you can learn from criticism
- Listen carefully before saying anything
- Avoid immediate defensive responses by tuning in to your emotions
- Take a deep breath and go slow
- Accept responsibility for your actions
- Turn off listening filters
- Use self-disclosure statements
- Use assertiveness but remain positive and avoid defensiveness
- Watch how the giver of criticism is reacting to your responses
- Summarize the other person’s statements and show a willingness to change
Conclusion
The purpose of communication is to connect in a meaningful way. We use our self-awareness, self-control, listening skills, openness, attention, and willingness to handle criticism to achieve spiritual and emotional maturity in communicating, understanding, and connecting at the deepest levels of feeling and emotion.
Successful leadership communication means keeping our emotional perspective clear, anticipating peoples responses, remaining calm and controlled while calming an out of control person, and always demonstrating the love of God.